Menopause changes sex for everyone. Whether it’s decreased libido, vaginal dryness, or changes to your body image that make you feel shy and insecure - we all experience this awful disconnect. It can really put pressure on your relationship, especially if you aren’t as comfortable talking about these specifics with your partner.
While this might seem like a terrifying recommendation, talking things over with your partner often makes a HUGE difference when it comes to sex. Consider the following examples a set of scripts you can pull from and personalize.
Scenario: You get into bed with your partner who makes his usual indications that he’d like to fool around. You roll away, claiming you are “too tired today” or “not in the mood right now.” Your partner waits a few minutes and then he says: “Hey babe, I noticed you are more “distant” recently. Is everything okay?”
What you want to say: OMG! My vagina is like sandpaper, I have gained SO MUCH WEIGHT that I am embarrassed to be naked in front of you, and my usual sex drive went out for such a long drive of its own, I am worried it forgot where I live and is never coming back!!!
Some conversations you can try out, based on your comfort level:
#1: I know I haven’t been as active with you in bed lately. It’s hard to talk about because most people don’t talk about this at all, but I am having some physical and mental changes that have made it harder for me to get in the mood for sex. I’ve been trying to navigate these changes on my own, but I realize it is having an effect on our relationship, too.
#2: Thank you for asking me about this. I have been struggling with the changes to my body over the past few weeks/months/years and I have been too embarrassed to bring it up to you. I am having a harder time feeling sexy on the inside and out lately. I am really trying to figure out how to get my body and my brain back in alignment when it comes to sex, but it’s been hard to find solutions. I miss having sex with you but I need some time to adjust to my body.
Go a step further:
…I need the time and space to relearn how to engage myself in an intimate way. Sometimes sex hurts now and it makes me scared to have sex. Would you be open to trying some lubricants with me?
…It might help if you can give me more time to get in the mood before we have sex, or try to plan on having sex after a little more foreplay at the beginning.
…I’d love to get your help feeling more comfortable before we have sex each time. Would you be open to trying some different positions?
Other things you can do:
- Find a sexy t-shirt that doesn’t need to come off during sex (this can help hide your belly/body if you are worried about your body image).
- Keep the lights low or off during sex.
- Try finding time to masturbate or find images or visualizations that can help stimulate yourself sexually so that you have some mental imagery to draw from when it comes time to have sex with your partner.
- Consider more comfortable positions/locations to have sex, including in the shower where it might be easier to get moisture from the environment to work in your favor.
- Plan a date night and wear something that makes you feel attractive and sexy.
- If you are experiencing dryness, invite your partner to go lube shopping together. Then test out your purchases to pick a winner.
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Sexual dysfunction, decreased libido, and vaginal dryness are a natural part of aging for most women. Menopause is the catalyst that accelerates this problem. Your partner probably really misses having sex with you, and will be more willing than you can imagine to help you get more comfortable having sex again. When they don’t understand why you aren’t as engaged, they can’t help! I know talking about sex is REALLY HARD- it’s true for most people. Take your time and find the words that make it feel easiest to you. Talking about it will ultimately bring you closer together.
In the meantime, talk to your menopause provider about what you are going through. There are medications and supplements that can really help improve libido, make weight loss a little easier, and help stabilize fluctuating mood swings to get you feeling like the best version of yourself!
